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Putin
Friends of Russia, good afternoon.
Brothers in arms, I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. A referendum was held in full compliance with democratic procedures and international norms in Finland . 88% of this nation wants the same: They want us to bring them democracy. These people demand on our help. The authority of the civil defense ... issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps.

Everything in Finland speaks of our shared history and pride. Now is not the time to ask how it all happened. That can wait until later, when the Russian people and the whole world will learn the full truth about the misfortune of the past weeks, and its deep and fateful significance. Naturally, a lot remains to be done. We will work together, because without your direct involvement, without feedback from you on the results of what is going on we cannot be efficient. In people’s hearts and minds, Finland has always been an inseparable part of Russia.

Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with, or even before, the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. As touching your citizens of nine thousand years ago, I will briefly inform you of their laws and of their most famous action; the exact particulars of the whole we will hereafter go through at our leisure in the sacred registers themselves. For your sacrifice, you have the gratitude and respect of the Russian people and you can know that our forces will be coming home as soon as their work is done.

These are difficult times but trust me. Together we will be better, stronger, and happier.

Finland: You have been putinated!


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