Again I’m repeating myself. I will be something! Most of people just don’t dare. Who dares wins! I will win! I love to be right. You idiots! You will see that I was right! It happens all the time that there is an argument and afterwards no one remembers that they opposed me. I will win and I will humiliate anyone who was against me. I will leave proof of my ideas around the world so that future historiand will see that I knew it but no one believed.

This has been seen so many times in the history. “And yet it moves”. I’m writing this to paper and to the Internet so many times that no one can claim to have discovered that. It was me who found the missing piece to the puzzle with quantum mechanics and newtonian science. It was me who found cure to the ever groving obesity and it was me who composed the best song in the world.

It’s morning again. I would not like to wake up. Now I need to sleep without the medication and that makes all kind of thoughts swirling in my mind all night. I’m not that much worried about which things from my normal life I would miss. Actually I have that calm feeling that sitting alone somewhere speeding through the space will be my normal life. I never really fitted here with my temper and strange way of thinking the life and trying to understand it.

Sometimes I have been worried about how other people are thinking about me. In the end I still think that they would accept me if they understood the same as I did. Therefore the idea of hijacking NASA spacecraft and possibly ruining important experiment does not bother me. Anyhow instead they will get a human guinea pig that certainly will provide them more than just a stupid space probe.

I woke up with terrible headache. I need to get used to this. The oxygen supply will be much lower while I’m sleeping and that is causing this. Now when still at ground the difference is not nearly as big as it will be when I’m up there. It’s still dark outside. Also that is something that I will get used to.

Do you know what Mars 500-experiment is? It’s one of those, where group of people are put in sealed space for a period of time to simulate living in mars. This one is happening in Russia and the test group is getting released next month after spending 520 days in contained space with only the equipment and food available, that they took in when the experiment started. The difference to me is that they were there about 15 times shorter that I’m planning, and that they had 3.9 x 24 m storage module for food. That’s about same size as my whole vessel.

For this test there were more than 6000 applicants from 40 different countries. The selected were mostly Russian. Scientists, cosmonauts, engineers etc. I’m an engineer but I still think I wouldn’t have stood a chance. So how do I think I can get to a space mission with no money and no reason to be picked? There is a company selling space trips and the trip to moon alone costs about 100 million dollars. Cost of mars missions is calculated in billions. As I told earlier, I have a plan.

Strange. When  I got home today a strange circus music was palying. I don’t know how it was picked on the palylist but it was a good remainder of the life. Actually it quite well relates to the things that happened today.

I met a goo friend that I had not seen for a while. It’s so special when the discussions are just flowing from one subject to another so well that you almost miss your train.

Ok he only missed the first train but not the another one. I took a bus home. For some strange reason the announcements at bus were off sync and so were my thoughts. I left the bus couple of stops too early and started to walk towards my home.

Strange stuff was happening in my head. When I looked through the windows I saw shadows glooming. They were not looking at me. They were watching something else. Like there was a fire in every apartment and these people were standing around and did not want to put it out. I kept walking.

Through a window I saw a room full of posters. There was Sex Pistols, The Calsh and other old punk stuff, In the living room window I saw another shadow staring at nowhere. All of a sudden I saw a pale red haired face in the other window. She stared at me and smiled. We spoke a lot with my friend tonight. About life, peopl, love, loalty, everything. This smiling face  must be a reflection of these thoughts. She can not be real.

I have lost two hours. I just came home. The strange circus music is still playing. I can remember a dream. I can remember how I stood with the red haired girl in the sunset. I can remember how we made love and how we still felt the love when we were old. I remember how I lost her and found her again.

It can not be true. I lost wo hours of my life but got whole twenty years of love.

I need another beer.

Something is happening. I’m sleeping restlessy and seeing much more dreams than earlier. Feels like my brain is working much more than earlier. Trying to solve some mystery locked deep in my subconsciousness. Last night I saw a dream about living in a tall building. There was a special small window in my combined kitchen and workspace. This windows had not been properly closed and there had been water coming in and it had caused my desk to decay. It looked fine but when I touched it ripped like a paper.

I have also been hearing this strange music. I’m not musical in any way but this music is haunting me. I tried to sing the melody and sent it to my musician-friend. Let’s see if he can record it. I also saw the melody as different forms and colours in my dream. I woke up in the middle of the night and could get no sleep. I took my iPad and started draving these strange forms down. Yet still I don’t understand what they mean.

It’s sad to see how people live their lives. It would not bother me if this attitude would not reflect also to their work, politics etc. I keep meeting people who do not dare to enjoy life. They say that they envy people who are living the nice life and drinking champagne etc. Or actually they don’t say it out loud. They envy these people and then they try to convince themselves to believe that it does not make any difference. These people put lots of effort trying to explain how expensive wine does not taste better than cheap etc.

Sometimes it’s true. Also cheap stuff can be good but quite often the quality costs money and more expensive can really be better. Another question is why people never treat themselves with luxury. My friend told that he drinks champagne once a year (at new year) and even then it’s actually cava. Normal champagne costs $30-$40 per bottle. Almost everyone could afford it once month if they like – but they won’t dare. They just dream about luxyry life as something that comes in one big lump and they can never reach it without winning in lottery. Actually there is lots of things that can add luxury to your life and do not cost a dime.

You are living your life now so enjoy it. I was on a work trip in dubai and I was enjoying a nice cold drink at sunset by the sea. I wanted a bypasser to take a photo of me. He smiled and said “living the life yeah!”. I answered “njah just on work trip”. After that I realised that despite the work I really was there – enjoying the Arabian sunset with my nice drink. It was a dream come true and I almost did not even notice.

When people then finally buy their cheap wine they drink it from normal milk glasses. Why? Everyone has set of wine glasses covered in dust somewhere in their cabinets but they never use those. They also might have nice collection of china and silver but they are just sitting in the closet. Live the life and enjoy about your stuff!

Small details can make a big difference. Today I ate some of my tikka masala (by the way did you know it’s not really Indian food – and it’s the most popular restaurant dish in UK) that I had cooked over the weekend. I just put the stuff on plate and microwaved it. It did not look really pretty. Then I spent one minute in adding some green stuff and papadum and in instant it become much more than just a plate full of some stuff.

It’s monday again. More frustration about stupid people. All the idiotic things I read from news is making me sick – literally. My nose started bleeding and now my toilet looks like a slaughterhouse. People just go forward to the same direction with everyone else. Straight down from the ledge without questioning. It seems to be difficult to accept that majority could be wrong. Often individuals have the best ideas, but it takes a lot of courage to fight agains the windmills and prove your point. Yes. It needs to be proven. elseway no-one will believe you.

Leaving is not my only project that I have been thinking about. There is lots of things wrong in the world. Lots of inventions that could make the change but they were implemented at wrong time or wrong way or got misunderstood. There are countless posibilities in Internet but people use it to watch porn and to talk to the people that they actually should visit in person.

I would needd programming help with my project that would make world much better place. It would harness the technology used by big corporations to help daily life of normal people. Just like computers did 30 years ago. That would revolutinize everything and improve quality of life and health of millions. That would evvect in savings of billions of dollars. It’s something so big that of course most people do not dare to think in those terms.

People are so stupid. In front of something brilliant they say “if it was a good idea someone else had already done it” but when someone is proposing them to make big bucks in a pyramide game they think it’s a splendid idea because so many of their friends went in with the same foolishness. There they don’t think that if it really was a good investment maybe Warren Buffet etc. also would be in.

New day emerges. I’m very tired and frustrated about what happened yesterday. Some plans needed to be revisited and I’m feeling they are concentrating on meaningless nitty-gritty things. The mission itself is not in jeopardy, but might be delayed if they really want to make the proposed changes. I’ll tell more about that later. Now I will continue from where I ended yesterday.

As mentioned, at that point I had nothing to do with NASA, ESA or any other Space agency or –company. I just had decided that I would like to spend the rest of my life travelling through space where no man had gone before. To do this I really needed to have an idea. I was eating my fingernails when thinking and thinking. Finally I found the answer in the very same nails I was biting. To survive in space without extra supply and for the storage not to be too big, there needed to be a new kind of way to provide food in space. An adult normally consumes about 350 liters of oxygen per day. That would mean that to stay alive 20 years, I would need 3653 kg of oxygen alone for breathing. That would not be a big issue. Also water is quite easy to recycle from urine and more to be made from oxygen and hydrogen if needed. This is quite well documented process already used for example at the international space station. The food would be a bigger issue.

My idea was to collect hair and fingernails and mix them with carbon dioxide to form a kind of foam that can be eaten to keep stomach and bowels working. The actual nutrition could be gotten with direct infusion to blood. I started experimenting with this concept and simultaneously my idea of funding the trip started forming. If I can make it to work, I could exchange my invention for a trip. So I started a many year project in experimenting how I can survive just by eating my hair and fingernails in a form that resembles some kind of bread, while I would get the actual nutrition from the drip attached to my arm. I was also studying different ways to diminish my oxygen and energy consumption by self suggestion and breathing techniques as well as using anesthetics and other medication. Basically I would be spend long time in different states of sleep, spoor, stupor or coma.

Now I need to go again – to enjoy normal non-chemical sleep when it still is possible.